Relative Relationship

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Good evening. Thanks for this opportunity to undress a few things. I am filled with humidity and internally grateful. People said I shouldn’t say anything, that I would make a skeptical of myself, but I told them, in no discerning terms, not to worry. See, if I reprehend one thing in this world, it’s my […]

Profiles in Bowel Movements: Jeff Sessions

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Profile In Bowel Movements, Jeff Sessions: Jeff Sessions was born in 1864, the 37th son of Ellierosemaekumquat Get-Together and Roscoe “Darkie Shoveler” Sessions. In 1922, upon turning 13, he gave birth anally to his own first child, christening him Milo Yiannopoulos. During the pellmell year of 1947, the 58 year-old Sessions came to the attention […]

Sneaking Up On Underthings

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It was high time to visit my undergarments silos in Denver, but after what happened last time… No. Better leave that alone for now, except to say I nagged my solicitor, Worthbottom Hoon, into joining me. Hoon agreed, said he needed a break from post-sexualized poetry. His most recent submission to Verse Quarterly— Stump! Stump! […]

Strolling the Boredwalk

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There we were, my lady friend and I, strolling along the boredwalk, though we were probably less board than other pedestrians. I was busy admiring my lady friend’s carriage, and losing myself in her glistening, candied eyes. They are the exact size, shape and color as chocolate-covered almonds. If you’re saying to yourself, “Hey, where […]