Insanity

I am what you might call a "Freak Magnet". If there is a disconnected person around, I am the guy he or she will turn to when the urge to demonstrate their wobbly mental balance strikes. On top of that, I routinely travel the country from coast-to-coast, and when you frequently traverse such a wide swathe of American territory, you will encounter eccentricity and abnormality in all their manifest glory. All of these tales are true.

Relative Relationship

Posted · Add Comment

Good evening. Thanks for this opportunity to undress a few things. I am filled with humidity and internally grateful. People said I shouldn’t say anything, that I would make a skeptical of myself, but I told them, in no discerning terms, not to worry. See, if I reprehend one thing in this world, it’s my […]

Profiles in Bowel Movements: Jeff Sessions

Posted · Add Comment

Profile In Bowel Movements, Jeff Sessions: Jeff Sessions was born in 1864, the 37th son of Ellierosemaekumquat Get-Together and Roscoe “Darkie Shoveler” Sessions. In 1922, upon turning 13, he gave birth anally to his own first child, christening him Milo Yiannopoulos. During the pellmell year of 1947, the 58 year-old Sessions came to the attention […]

Sneaking Up On Underthings

Posted · Add Comment

It was high time to visit my undergarments silos in Denver, but after what happened last time… No. Better leave that alone for now, except to say I nagged my solicitor, Worthbottom Hoon, into joining me. Hoon agreed, said he needed a break from post-sexualized poetry. His most recent submission to Verse Quarterly— Stump! Stump! […]

Strolling the Boredwalk

Posted · Add Comment

There we were, my lady friend and I, strolling along the boredwalk, though we were probably less board than other pedestrians. I was busy admiring my lady friend’s carriage, and losing myself in her glistening, candied eyes. They are the exact size, shape and color as chocolate-covered almonds. If you’re saying to yourself, “Hey, where […]

A Song for The Donald

Posted · 1 Comment

He Is the Very Model of a Scary Individual A Song Inspired By “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” From Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Pirates of Penzance He is the very model of a sleazy individual, No information reputable, rational, or literal, He dotes on neo-Nazis, and quotes only sites inimical, From FOX […]

President Ted Cruz: The First 100 Days

Posted · 1 Comment

January 8th, 2017 President Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz takes office. He is joined by his Vice President, former Lt. General Jerry Boykin. There is a Tea Party/Evangelical majority in both Houses of Congress. January 21st, 2017 The Environmental Protection Agency is dissolved. January 22nd, 2017 The Department of Education is dissolved. Replaced by the Department […]

The Alarming Suckiness of Lists

Posted · Add Comment

This online list thing annoys the bejesus out of me. It’s infantile reportage; click-hungry peek-a-boo; a cheap incitement for us to (briefly; minimally) engage with the inane and the mediocre. I promised myself I would not succumb to the trend. I failed. From now on, it’s all lists for me.   These 5 Pictures Will Forever […]

Fun with Cops: Seattle

Posted · Add Comment

My square job requires driving. Lots of driving; 10-12,000 miles each and every month. That much time on the road makes encountering a cop all but certain. I have spent my fair share of time under the scrutiny of law-enforcement people—sheriffs, deputy sheriffs, ordinary police officers, state troopers, border patrol agents, park police, tribal officers, […]

Talking about the Tea Party

Posted · Add Comment

On November 13th, 2013, I posted this picture on my Facebook page: Is it hyperbolic? Of course it is. And did I mean it seriously? Of course I did, to a point. And it really aggravated some people. Which was, after all, my intention. People wanted to know why I was equating ‘Baggers with mass-murderers […]

Once Upon a Time

Posted · Add Comment

Once upon a time, during the Second Age of Man, there was a calm, misty kingdom called Lithium. It was ruled by the wise and fair King Crestor and his lovely, dreamy-eyed queen, Lunesta. It was a time of peace in Lithium; the war against the proud bandit-lord Norval from the desert wastes of Valsartan, […]