There we were, my lady friend and I, strolling along the boredwalk, though we were probably less board than other pedestrians. I was busy admiring my lady friend’s carriage, and losing myself in her glistening, candied eyes. They are the exact size, shape and color as chocolate-covered almonds. If you’re saying to yourself, “Hey, where are the pupils?” I refer you to any nearby teachers, who’ve been asking that very same question for decades.
“Darling?” she queried.
“Yes, Miss Colloquy?” I answered, not because her name is Miss Colloquy. Her name is Miss Symposia, and you can only imagine how we titter at our little “couple’s” jokes.
“Darling? Who are those women? There: sliding up and down that pole outside the Apple Store?”
“Why, Miss Colloquy, those are the Apple Exotic Dancers. The pole is Boryslaw Krakowski, renowned inventor of the iPenis, the iVagina, and the iButt. Must-have accessories in today’s digital world.”
“But, Darling,” she pouted, “we haven’t any of those things. I’m consumed by our analog consumption!”
I kissed her gently on the cheek, and while she pulled up her slacks, said, “A situation we shall remedy this very afternoon!”
We made our way through the Apple Dancers, clapped Mr. Krakowski companionably on his brass shoulder, enjoying the merry clang, and entered the Exotic Apple Store. The buxom clerk, a dead-ringer for Quentin Tarantino, wore a name tag reading Slick Towelmaster. I introduced myself and Miss Colloquy, but before I could make our purchasing desires known to him he thrust into our hands several pamphlets denouncing Negro film festival attendees as “humorless,” and scurried into a distant corner, where he began to grunt and devour copies of Variety.
A new clerk came to our assistance. Her t-shirt said “I’m Gay.” I immediately understood that she meant “gay” in its traditional fashion, indicating that she was a homosexual, and not according to the current trend, suggesting mitochondrial DNA.
It was my utter misfortune that she spoke only Esperanto, in which tongue “iVagina,” “iPenis” and “iButt” trigger fight-or-flight responses, and so I was then forced to spend what would have been an otherwise lovely eventide cradling a bag of frozen peas atop my eCrotch.