Profiles in Bowel Movements: Jeff Sessions

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Profile In Bowel Movements, Jeff Sessions:

Jeff Sessions was born in 1864, the 37th son of Ellierosemaekumquat Get-Together and Roscoe “Darkie Shoveler” Sessions. In 1922, upon turning 13, he gave birth anally to his own first child, christening him Milo Yiannopoulos. During the pellmell year of 1947, the 58 year-old Sessions came to the attention of Mr. and Mrs. America, when he debuted a line of self-cleansing robes and hoods (Klannies) backed by his personal guarantee that they would repel blood and ashes or “Your Money Back–In Spades!” Now known as a rising businessman AND one of the true wits of the age, Sessions celebrated his 74th name day by eating his not-inconsiderable weight in Korean POWs. (We’ve all seen the touching and hilarious AP photos of that last plucky GI getting stuck in Sessions’ gullet–Oh, those little kicking boots! Priceless!) Just how “priceless” was demonstrated only 6,234 days later, when MasterCard hired the now Senator Sessions to handle all of their advertising. (We’ve all seen those touching and hilarious AP photos of Sessions flinging credit cards to a gang of roving toddlers, then mutilating the newly-solvent shavers with a replica of R.E. Lee’s sideburns.) After that, nothing was going to get in Sessions’ way. The White House was certainly next, but Sessions refused to take that step without first anally birthing a second first son, this one named Steve Funky Saltlick Bannon, but known among the Sessions klan as Slippery Rectal Pudding.

And now: Regurgitation.

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