President Ted Cruz: The First 100 Days

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January 8th, 2017

President Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz takes office.

  • He is joined by his Vice President, former Lt. General Jerry Boykin.

  • There is a Tea Party/Evangelical majority in both Houses of Congress.

January 21st, 2017

The Environmental Protection Agency is dissolved.

January 22nd, 2017

The Department of Education is dissolved.

  • Replaced by the Department of Biblical Literacy.

  • Michele Bachmann appointed Secretary.

January 23rd, 2017

Executive Order #13671 criminalizes homosexuality in all 50 States.

  • All same-sex marriages rendered legally void.

January 24th, 2017

Department of Decency created, headed by Secretary of Decency Phil Robertson.

January 30th, 2017

Construction begins on nationwide battery of “Pre-Gay Intervention” Camps.

  • Attendance compulsory for all American teenagers between the ages of eleven and seventeen.

  • Especially if they like to dance.

 February 3rd, 2017

Amendment 28 to the Constitution of the United States proposed.

AKA—the “Separation of Science and State Amendment.”

AKA—the “James Inhofe Act.”

AKA—the “I Ain’t No Red-Assed Monkey! Nossir!” Act.

  • Climate Change officially declared a “hoax.”

  • Theory of evolution officially declared “atheist propaganda” and barred from all schools.

  • Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY, named National Historic Site.

  • Funding provided for implementation of “Nancy Reagan Astrology Centers.”

  • National Institutes of Health, National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration, National Science Foundation, U.S. Geological Survey, and NASA are dissolved.

  • Replaced by regiments of volunteer Prayer Warriors.

  • Doomsday Clock replaced by End Times Clock.

February 5th, 2017

The congressional Patriot Caucus schedules exploratory hearings.

  • Goals:

  • To determine the political affiliation of Galileo and Copernicus.

  • Ascertain their possible ties to ISIS.

February 6th, 2017

All federal, state and local airports renamed in honor of Ronald Reagan.

  • Ticketing chaos ensues.

  • Terrorist Threat Level permanently raised to Mauvelous.

February 18th, 2017

Leap Years removed from calendars.

  • Cuz it’s gosh darn confusing and, in direct violation of the Constitution and the Intentions of the Founders, “forces Math upon Americans.”

February 21st, 2017

Secretary of Chaste Amusement, Kirk Cameron, holds press conference.

  • Announces final design for “Ass-Kicker Jesus” action figure.

  • The toy features scale-model AR-15, digital-camo sandal straps, night-vision crown of thorns, and lifelike “Schwarzenegger Grip.”

February 25th, 2017

Department of Biblical Literacy Secretary, Michele Bachmann, Dies.

  • On her way home from a meeting of the “Society for Observing Your Neighbors,” she misinterprets a faulty street light as the beginning of the Rapture.

  • She leaps from her car in the middle of the Santorum Parkway, overnight bag in hand, and is painlessly euthanized by ASPCA truck.

  • Her funeral is attended by well over eleven people.

  • They are “Totally, like, bummed” when Jesus fails to show.

 February 30th, 2017

“Founding Fathers Defense Act” signed by President Cruz.

  • State militias (colloquially: “Bubba Brigades”) granted powers equal to the standing armed forces.

  • President Cruz’s secret service detail renamed the “Praetorian Guard.”

  • Is staffed entirely by operatives of Blackwater Security.

March 2nd, 2017

Hearings begin for Amendment 29 to the US Constitution.

  • When ratified, will repeal Amendment 22.

  • President Cruz informs nation that “God said” he should be President for Life.

  • House members hold up lighters and toss beach ball around chamber.

March 8th, 2017

President Cruz announces sweeping diplomatic reforms.

  • US severs relations with Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Britain, France, Spain, Canada, West Xylophone, Freedonia, Lilliput, and Skull Island.

  • Maps redrawn designating those regions simply as “Not America.”

  • Louie Gohmert appointed ambassador to Narnia.

March 10th, 2017

Patriot Emmy nominations  announced.

  • Major categories dominated by Dancin’ with the Clergy, America’s Next Top Apostle, Law and Order: WWJD, Keeping Up with the Inquisition, and Real Housewives of Bethlehem.

March 11th, 2017

“Jesse Helms Center for Negro Reskilling” opens in Irate Swine, OK.

March 13th, 2017

A very busy legislative day.

  •  American Civil War officially designated the “War of Yankee Aggression.”

  • “Chicago School” of economics declared America’s National Philosophy.

  • “Fairness Doctrine” enacted on all American Indian reservations. Now illegal for whites to lose in tribal casinos.

  • Nutrition guidelines in school cafeterias replaced with Zamboni repair manual and several handfuls of festive purple confetti.

March 15th, 2017

First students admitted into the Bob Jones University School of Legitimate Rape.

  • Curriculum to feature:

    • Techniques to identify when “She was askin’ for it.”

    • DIY tips for disabling rape whistles.

    • Understanding how “No” means “More Pressure.”

    • Hem lines as indexes of overall sluttiness.

    • God’s Will…or…It’s Called the Missionary Position for a Reason.

    • Basic first-aid for scratches and bites.

  • Senior-class project will include practicum.

March 18th, 2017

President for Life Cruz issues DFJ (Direct from Jesus) Order #1.

  • God’s laws supersede all laws of man.

March 20th, 2017

President for Life Cruz crushed under toppling pallet of contraband Dr. Seuss books.

March 21st, 2017

Surviving Americans hold up lighters and toss around a beach ball.


One Response to "President Ted Cruz: The First 100 Days"
  1. Garnet says:

    Very descriptive blog, I enjoyed that a lot. Will there be a
    part 2?

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