OMG!! OMG!!! OMG!!!! My scrumptious moppets, little MADISON and little TANNER, are already HOME!! Eleven days EARLY!! And oh my GOODNESS, I am just about as MIFFED as I have EVER BEEN!!! Those SNOW-PURE youngsters are home early because they GOT KICKED OUT!!! I mean, can you IMAGINE?!?!?!
That gosh-darn camp leader, WYMAN DOWNER, sent a whole GOSH-DARN LETTER home where he “EXPLAINS” the “UN-CHRISTIAN MISCONDUCT” he says was perpetrated by little Madison and little Tanner:
- Created an environment of general mayhem.
- Repeatedly, purposefully, and belligerently took the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ in vain, in a horrifying violation of the Third Commandment.
- Organized games of “Ring Around That Dead Guy On the Tree.”
- Made specious comparisons between the resurrection of Our Lord Jesus Christ and some person (undoubtedly Godless) named George Romero.
- Placed obscene condom diagrams in the daily verse pamphlets.
- Set fire to the daily verse pamphlets.
- Applied pagan symbols to their faces with the ashes of the daily verse pamphlets.
- Defaced the camp’s hymnals by replacing the lyrics for “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God” with those from a Negro song called “Push Push In The Bush.”
- Befouled the camp’s sheep costumes with Gorilla Glue and a balsamic-reduction marinade, thereby rendering them unusable for the end-of-camp pageant.
- Released squirrels, which had evidently been fed a mélange of psychostimulants (probably dextroamphetamine) and osmotic laxatives, into the chapel during morning fellowship.
- Persuaded Pat Yakman, the winner of this summer’s coveted All Puckered-Up for Christ medallion, that said medallion would cure his facial eczema, provided that he used it as a urethral suppository. This was doubly unpleasant because, as you surely understood from the pronouns “his” and “he” above, Pat Yakman is a boy!
- Persuaded fellow campers Sally Goodswallow, Verusha Turtle, and Zowie Flourney that they, your children, were demons disguised as humans. This caused these fine young Christian women considerable distress, up to and including Ms. Goodswallow’s incipient speech impediment, and Ms. Turtle’s attempt to euthanize St. Swithun, the camp’s Ethiopian donkey and long-time mascot, by smothering the poor, soulless beast with her embroidered Lord’s Prayer souvenir bonnet.
THIS is what he’s MAD ABOUT???? THIS is what got little Madison and little Tanner EXPELLED from BIBLE CAMP??? What a load of gosh-darn POTATO PEELINGS!!! Little Madison and little Tanner are CHILDREN for HEAVEN’S SAKE!!! WAIFS!!! Angelic RAGAMUFFINS!!!! And I say THIS: the things little Madison and little Tanner are accused of are NOTHING MORE than PRANKS!!!! WITTY TOMFOOLERY!!!! ADORABLE SHENANNIGANS!!!!
And you’ll see EXACTLY what I MEAN when they POST THEIR ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK!!!