Madison/Tanner Diaries: OMG!!! Can you believe it’s MARCH!!

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And you know what MARCH MEANS?!?!?! That’s RIGHT – it’s ARTS FAIR time at Rube Goldberg Elementary School!!! My youngsters, little Madison and little Tanner absolutely LIVE for ARTS FAIR TIME!!! They plot and plan for MONTHS, leading up to the BIG WEEK!! And do they have some HUMDINGERS this year??? WTF??? Are you KIDDING ME???!!!???! Little Tanner is just about finished with his PROJECT. It’s a series of PAINTINGS, recreations of classic “Saturday Evening Post” covers, except ALL the SUBJECTS are NAKED and are suffering from HOOK-WORM!! FUNNY??? OH BOY!! I absolutely CRIED!! And little Madison, well… She didn’t like coming in SECOND last year, AT ALL!! If it hadn’t been for that slack-jawed DIAPER-STAIN, Martin BILDERBACK, and his stupid, stupid, stupid BUTTERFLY DECOUPAGE, little Madison would’ve WON in a WALK!!! Well, I’m here to tell ya, there’s NO WAY she LOSES THIS YEAR!!! Get a load of THIS: Think KANGAROOS. Think STILETTO HEELS. Think GENE THERAPY. Think PAT BOONE. Can you IMAGINE!!??!!??!!?? Martin BILDERBECK can just go TONGUE KISS a PIG INSEMINATOR, for all we care!! And it’s a good thing the kids got finished early this year, since—YEP—the COURTS, in their INFINITE WISDOM (NOT!!) have decreed that we spend ANOTHER SIXTY HOURS in FAMILY THERAPY!!!! I swear, you do ONE INERPRETIVE DANCE under a FULL MOON, wearing BLACK CLOAKS, while holding a MACHETE and a HE-GOAT on the CHURCH LAWN, and they get all INDIGNENT!!! What a bunch of NINNIES!!! Oh, well. Time to get outta here! As GRANDPA always said: “That PEYOTE ain’t gonna harvest itself!!!” PICs to follow!!!! Bye!!!!!

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