Madison/Tanner Diaries: OMG!!! Running errands and doing housework is HARD!!

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The whole GOSH DARN week, we just ran, ran, RAN!! Little Tanner needed brewing supplies and those unsettling candy hearts for his classroom Valentine’s Day wingding. Little Madison was low on gouache, glass eyes and Dexedrine. We had to collect pledges for little Tanner’s annual 5K Fun Run & Family SLITHER. And, of course, it’s almost time once again for little Madison’s annual PILGRIMAGE to the MARIANA TRENCH. On top of that, the WHOLE HOUSE needed new glazing—DARN those DRONE FLY-OVERS—and we had to clean granny’s goldfish out of the YARD!! She takes them for a walk, gets bored, forgets what she was going, remembers that it’s time for “Who Wants to Be A Shaolin Stunt-Double,” and runs back INSIDE!!! WTFFFF, GRANNY!?!?!?! Now the whole YARD is covered in tiny orange and black BUG-EYED MUMMIES!!! And let me TELL YOU, this much ACTIVITY makes you THIRSTY!! YES INDEED!! So, we were OFF to the BAR!!! While I drank bourbon, and little Madison ran up her high score on the Golden Tee machine, little Tanner used the time to fill out his Valentine’s cards. He took special GLEE in the one for that Brat, MARY ELLEN SMELLIE!! Remember HER?? The snotty youngest daughter of PASTOR SMELLIE, who called little Tanner a “dead-eyed little sociopath” that time?? Well, it turns out that MARY ELLEN SMELLIE has herself a case of the school-girl HOTS for TANNER!!! BUT, as I’ve always taught Tanner: HOLD ONTO A GRUDGE LIKE IT’S YOUR LAST BOTTLE of Alprazolam!! And you should’ve SEEN the LETTER he sent along with the unsettling candy heart he sent her: “Dear Mary Ellen. Your Valentine’s Day dress has all the sexy zip and sizzle of an 8-ball hemorrhage. Yours Truly, Tanner.” And RIGHT THEN, as we were all laughing into our ice cubes, who do you THINK WALKED IN??? Go ON!! GUESS!! RIGHT, it was CHAMPAGNE KELLY HERSELF!!!! She blew through the door in a GRAND CLOUD of Billie Burke’s visual effects, riding BUBBLES of PURE INTOXICATED JOY, with a GOLD-TIPPED cigarette in her 3-foot, wombat-skin filter, and DANCING the DANCE of the SEVEN VEILS, but with ONLY FOUR!!! I thought LITTLE MADISON was going to FAINT DEAD AWAY!! But NOPE!! She BOUGHT CHAMPAGNE KELLY a TRIPLE FERNET BRANCA with a side of ICE BERG LETTUCE, and they had a fabulous TALK!!! PICS TO FOLLOW!!!! BYE!!!!!!!!!!

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